How to be kind.

Hey there you incredible human! You beacon of light and practitioner of patience and understanding. Oh, what’s that? You snubbed your neighbor this morning because…well, just because? You lost your sh*t on your barista today after an overly abundant pump of vanilla syrup? You have developed a pesky habit of jumping to tell your partner that they didn’t do fill-in-the-blank in the way that was clearly defined in your head? I get it, you and the world are sometimes at odds. You exist in a space of seemingly endless suffering where no one knows your struggles and everyone is against your peace and wellbeing. I wish that all the world could see your needs and respond to them with abundant desire for your happiness. Unfortunately, people don’t care as much about your experience as you do and are themselves existing in their little bubble of suffering. So let’s talk about how to make your life a bit more manageable and how kindness is the key to a happy life.

Here’s the thing: life is full of suffering. We know this through experience, it also happens to be trusted wisdom from the Buddhist teachings and, whether or not you ascribe to such things, we can all admit that suffering is everywhere. I think it is worth embracing the notion of trivial suffering. There is heavy emphasis placed on universal suffering, and rightly so — starvation, droughts, corruption, war — and we should all have a mind toward the collective wellbeing of our fellow earthlings. However, the focus of today is trivial. The coffee you spilled on your clean shirt as soon as you got in the car to go to work when you were already ten minutes behind. The brunch order you received with a bunch of friends that was cold and theirs was hot. The time someone stole your wallet and you had to call to get all your cards and ID replaced before traveling the next day. Life is full of trivial suffering. And just like a drip on an ancient stone, eventually those trivialities result in tremendous eroding of your human experience. It not only impacts your internal experience, but it inevitably presents itself on the outside and impacts how you interact with the world around you.

You have had a string of trivial suffering and you have learned how to meet your life from that experience. You are irritated. You are impatient with others. You have less capacity for forgiveness. You feel victimized by the most insignificant things. Your world has become a caldron of unfortunate circumstances. The suffering is real. You all of a sudden, and with no warning, have become kind of an asshole. This is not the life you envisioned for yourself when you were a small child, innocent, imaginative, hopeful. Your bright eyed optimism has turned into a furrowed brow of judgement and misplaced blame. It’s not you, it’s, well…okay it is you, but it’s also all of us. I believe it’s time to explore ways to be kind to others with the bonus outcome of transforming your life and limiting the abundance of trivial suffering.

1. Be kind to yourself. I’m not going to get on my self-love high-horse here, but honestly ya’ll, be kind to yourself. Start noticing the language you use to describe yourself to yourself. What are words that arise when you reflect on interactions that didn’t go the way you had envisioned? Are you a “you freaking idiot” type of person? How do you define failure and offer yourself feedback? Are you quick to “what in the world would make you think that was a good decision” judgement? Sometimes I am really short with people. I have low patience in spite of my best intentions. All of a sudden I will pause and consciously register that I am irritable as hell, being kind of a jerk, and I need to zoom out to make my life’s moments more manageable. Instead of berating my bad behavior, I release the body tension that is likely present and drop my breath that is likely held and tight. If you’re trapped in a cocoon of you against the world and always prepared for battle, this will be a tough life for you my friend. Reframe your experience to yourself and come back to the undeniable truth that you are human, fallible, and capable of remarkable blunder. And then move on with breath and broader perspective.
2. Find humor in the misery. Most of the time our trivial suffering is caused by unintentional outcomes of small, insignificant actions paired with our emotional experience of those outcomes. That barista didn’t intentionally pump you full of sugar so your heart would palpitate and you would exceed your daily calorie intake. Chill! Laugh at the intensity with which you reacted and move on. What is it serving for you to attach to the experience and perpetuate the emotion of it? And let’s say on the off chance this was the intent of this conniving barista, how weird is that? Who spends time orchestrating how to infiltrate your psyche through liquid sugar? Something to laugh at I think. People are bizarre animals and clearly most need kindness not admonishment.
3. Practice. You have conditioned yourself to not be kind. Not intentionally of course. Just because you are sometimes an asshole, doesn’t mean that is how you set out to live your life. Your habits around how you react to your experience are deep and largely unconscious. The only way out is through. Redirect your behavior through conscious practice. Practice in low stakes interactions. Do you need to call your internet service provider about something? Kill them with kindness. Bring in levity. Brighten your tone and demonstrate clear gratitude and empathy. It will build the muscle of being kind and demonstrate how it feels once the kindness has been activated. Something tells me you’ll like it.
4. Practice more. Much like going to the gym for the first three days after the new year, commitments toward self-improvement and increased self-awareness fizzle out, often without us evening knowing it and then, several months later, we’re all “oh yeah, I was going to start trying to be intentionally kind. Oops!” Make it a consistent thing that is consciously reinforced through intentional behavior change. I suggest starting from a practical position. Build the practice of taking a breath before responding. Do this as often as you can so that next time you are triggered by your conniving barista, you can give yourself enough space during that breath to redirect your rage toward a space of surrender or acceptance. Put a daily reminder in your phone — 2pm calendar ding “breathe and don’t be a jerk.” Are sticky notes your thing? Go to town. Any method for building this new habit that works, lean in and level up.
5. Lead the revolution. The other day an old woman was crossing the street by my apartment. She was going slow as hell and the traffic light had turned green, so several impatient Brooklyn drivers were heading her way at breakneck speed. I went and stood in the crosswalk as she made her way just to ensure that she was safe. She didn’t even notice, but that wasn’t the point. You know who did notice? The kid standing with his parents at the intersection. Did he smile and give me a thumbs up? Absolutely not. Was he watching intently? You bet your ass he was. I like to believe I shifted that kid’s perspective on how to treat others. Kindness doesn’t have to be monumental. Just like suffering is trivial, so can be kindness. Small acts of being kind will alleviate your suffering and increase the presence of kindness for those around you.

At the end of the day, only you are in control of how you respond to your circumstances. Sometimes those circumstances are really a bummer and they come in waves of multitude. Hang in there. Kindness has a really awesome impact on others, but ultimately it will make your life easier, more joyful, and alleviate your suffering so you can walk this world with ease.